British Days: The Most Ridiculous Situation I Have Ever Been In

The most ridiculous situation I have ever been in happened when I was staying at the Forbes* residence in London. Late at night I was awoken from my sleep because I had to use the restroom, and rather badly. I was about to get out of bed when the door to my room flung open. My roommate was back. It wasn't unusual for him to come back late at night because he liked to stay out partying. But this time he had a lady friend with him, and they staggered into his bed, which was beside mine. It was obvious they were drunk too. They didn't even bother turning on the light so they could see where they were going. Passion and intoxication was their only guide through that darkness. And unfortunately for me I would be an unwilling voyeur of what transpired next.

The next thing I knew a lot of heavy breathing started to emanate from my roommate's bed. I didn't know exactly what was going on--and to this day I'm still not certain what they were up to--but I have a good idea because all those peculiar sounds are usually associated with people when they are engaged in sexual intercourse. Then the next thing I knew there was shaking going on in the bed and even some bouncing. Then--and this has to be the high point of the absurdity of the situation--whoever had decided to shack up with my roommate started to fake orgasms.

"Yes, yes, yes... oh, God, oh, God, oh, God," she said like a scratched record being played over and over. Once a succession of yes, yes, yeses and oh, God, oh, God, oh, Gods had finished she'd go through another monotonous succession of yes, yes, yeses and oh, God, oh, God, oh, Gods. And she'd say it in exactly the same way.

Like I have said before it was ridiculous, and the reason why I have reiterated it is because it is simply worth saying again.

And that is how it went while I stayed in bed contemplating how I should handle the situation. During situations like these I never quite know what to do, after all complaining to your roommate about him doing his sexual practices in your presence is bound to be awkward. Should I turn on the light and try to have a calm, rational discussion with them? More than likely that wasn't going to work because they were drunk. Should I turn on the light and get angry with my roommate? If I did that then I risked provoking my roommate, and I didn't want to get into a heated argument and wake up the Forbes. Or should I just let them do what they have to do and then talk to my roommate afterwards or just talk to Mr. and Mrs. Forbes? This seemed like the best option, but I never had a lot of time to think about what to do because the urge to use the restroom became too great, and I got out of bed and headed up stairs. I'm quite sure they heard me get out of bed, and therefore became aware that I was aware of what was going on. But the sexual festivities continued unabated--as if I didn't exist. I stopped at the top of the stairs and listened. I was amazed. 20 minutes had to have had passed and they were still at it and I could hear her fake orgasms all the way up there. And as can be counted on her yes, yes, yeses were quickly followed by her oh, God, oh, God, oh, Gods. She had to be faking; it would be hard for anyone to maintain that many orgasms over that stretch of time. My roommate was just too drunk to be able to tell.

I used the restroom and hoped I wouldn't hear them in the bathroom. 20 minutes of hearing fake orgasms was enough. But then I heard footsteps coming up the stairs. Great, I thought. The Forbes' room was beside the bathroom, and if it was my roommate I didn't want to have a confrontation with him and wake them up. And if it was the girl I wondered would I be able to contain my anger. There was a gentle knock at the door. I opened it, and standing there was this bedraggled, goth-looking girl. She looked at me in bewilderment, and I could tell from the look on her face that she knew I was not happy with her. I said nothing and went downstairs into the kitchen. When Mr. and Mrs. Forbes came downstairs I informed them both of the situation, and I can only surmise they said something about it with my roommate.

My roommate didn't stay for much longer in England because he was there to take a three week class; and once he completed that he went home. I can't say I missed him, and soon after my roommate's sexual adventure in England I got new housemates from Texas. When I introduced myself I told them what had happened. One of them told me what one of his friends would do when he was in a similar situation. Apparently, this friend had worked out a solution for such situations, which I sometimes have a hard time doing. Whenever one of his roommates decided to have a sexual adventure in his presence he'd cut on the light, go over to his roommate's bed and tell him "Dude, I think she's broke."

*The Forbes family was my homestay in England.